He was dreaming a dream of history. It was his favourite period of history, when Britain was Great. When Britannia Ruled the Waves.
He was dreaming of one of his heroes, Lord Palmerston. Lord Palmerston knew how to deal with the world. He knew how to make foreigners do what he wanted. He knew how to make Britain Great.
When Mr Gove woke, he met his friend Mr Cameron. Mr Cameron told him that there was a big problem in Syria. It might be so serious that they would have to go to war.
Mr Gove listened to Mr Cameron. He felt sorry for the poor Syrians – but he remembered his dream. He remembered Lord Palmerston. He remembered what made Britain Great.
‘Be brave,’ he told Mr Cameron. ‘You know what needs to be done.’
But when Mr Gove looked at Mr Cameron he was not sure Mr Cameron did know what needed to be done. Mr Gove didn’t really think anyone except Mr Gove himself ever really knew what needed to be done.
But Mr Cameron was the Prime Minister. Somehow. And Mr Gove knew about Loyalty.
When Mr Gove sat down in the House of Commons for the debate, he was still dreaming. Gunboats blockading Piraeus. The Charge of the Light Brigade. The Opium Wars. When Britain was Great.
He smiled happily to himself as Mr Miliband whimpered like the wimp he was, knowing that soon Mr Gove and Mr Cameron would be leaning over a map of the Middle East, pushing little model boats with long sticks.
But then, things started to happen that Mr Gove did not like. Not at all.
Some of Mr Cameron’s so-called-friends started asking questions that Mr Gove did not like. They started to ask for ‘evidence’ that this plan would work.
Mr Gove didn’t like evidence. He never liked evidence. All those moaning teachers and namby-pamby academics asked for evidence when Mr Gove wanted to take teaching back to the way it had been in the Great Days. Evidence? It was obvious! Of course Mr Cameron’s plan was the right thing to do!
No-one had asked Lord Palmerston for ‘evidence’.
Still, thought Mr Gove, everything was going to be fine. Those nice people in the Whips Office had told them that.
But more of Mr Cameron’s ‘friends’ asked more questions. They wanted to know what would happen after their little plan was finished. Why? It should have been obvious. Mr Assad was a bully, and we all know what happens when people stand up to bullies. But they kept on asking questions. Mr Gove did not like this.
They started saying that most of the people of the country didn’t like Mr Cameron’s plan. Pah! What do most of the people in the country know? Who cares about them?
When Mr Clegg was as pathetic as only Mr Clegg could be, Mr Gove began to feel a little less comfortable. His face felt a little hot. Mr Gove did not like this at all. He hated it.
And then, something terrible happened. Something unthinkable.
The vote happened.
Mr Cameron lost. He lost. He lost.
Mr Gove felt steam starting to rise. He felt his dreams melting away.
And Mr Gove lost it. He turned to Mr Cameron’s so-called-friends, his eyes blazing, his ears bright red.
‘TRAITORS!’ shouted Mr Gove. ‘TRAITORS! DISGRACE! DISGRACE! YOU’RE A DISGRACE!’
He was still muttering under his breath as his friends led him from the chamber.
Poor Mr Gove.
Sometimes things don’t go the way that you want them. Even if you’re Mr Gove.
Art based on original artwork by @kaiserofcrisps. Words by me.
The first episode of Mr Gove can be found here…
An excellent dramatic reading of Mr Gove goes to War, by @Elmyra, can be found here…