Our Dom

A tavern in the shadow of a castle, somewhere in France, or perhaps County Durham. Dom sits in a large chair, looking a little morose. In comes a young, northern lad, a salt of the earth type, who looks over at Dom and stops.

Darren (for it is he): Why are you looking so sad, Dom? What’s wrong?

Dom looks up, but barely registers Darren’s existence. Darren is unfazed, and comes up to Dom and tries to cheer him up with a smile. In the background, a brass band (good Northern stuff) starts up, in a tune recognisable as coming from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.

Darren starts, in a sing-song voice

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Our Dom
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here’d love to be you, Our Dom
Even when taking your lumps
You’re Boris’s trusted adviser
You’re Laura K’s favourite source
I’ve never met anyone wiser
There’s a reason for that: it’s because…

the band strikes up a jaunty tune…

No… one… lies like our Dom
Fakes his cries like our Dom
Cannot tell the truth if he tries like our Dom

His lying can never be bested
From London to Durham and more
To drive so his eyesight is tested?
I laughed so much my ribs were sore…

No… one… cheats like our Dom
Does deceit like our Dom
Turns his enemies white as a sheet like our Dom

When it comes down to rewriting history
There no folk who can quite compare
Why people believe it’s a mystery
But it drives his foes hearts to despair…

No… one… takes like our Dom
On the make like our Dom
Makes his news quite so perfectly fake like our Dom

His lies they are brash, they are brazen
But the media just doesn’t care
He crafts lies for ev’ry occasion
And his army of trolls and of bots can then share…

No… one.. drives like our Dom
Coaches wives like our Dom
Cares nothing for old people’s lives like our Dom

He can break any law with impunity
In elections and lockdown who cares?
His denials of planned herd immunity
Are about as convincing as Donald Trump’s hair…

No… one… sneers like our Dom
Stokes up fears like our Dom
No… one… lies like our Dom
Porkie pies like our Dom


Darren sits down, exhausted. Dom just ignores him, but a secret smile just touches his eyes…

With apologies to anyone even slightly associated to Disney.

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