Mr Bigot was not a bigot. Oh no. He was a proud Englishman.
Except when he was in Scotland. In Scotland, he was a proud Briton.
He was a smart Englishman too. That morning, he rose early and dressed very carefully. A suit that was smart, but not too smart. A tie that was just loud enough. His best camel coat with the velvet collar.
He didn’t want to look like a politician. Oh no. He knew far too much for that. He wanted everyone to think that he wasn’t like ordinary politicians.
It didn’t matter that he came from the same background as them.
It didn’t matter that he went to a Public School just like they did.
It didn’t matter that he was a millionaire just like them.
It didn’t matter that he was almost the same age as them.
It didn’t matter that he was a white, middle class man just like them.
It didn’t matter that he had done the same sort of job before politics as a lot of them.
It didn’t matter that he milked the expenses system just like most of them.
It didn’t matter that he employed his family at the taxpayers’ expense, just like a lot of them.
It didn’t matter that he manipulated statistics in his publicity just like them.
It didn’t matter that he played political games just like them.
None of that mattered, as long as he did his best to convince people that he wasn’t like them. And he knew exactly how to do that, because he was exactly like them. Only more so.
When he was dressed and ready, Mr Bigot went out to meet the press.
He wasn’t sure that he still liked the press. For a long time they had been his best friends. Telling lots of stories about the people he didn’t like. Spreading rumours that suited Mr Bigot’s plans. And not looking at all closely at Mr Bigot, or Mr Bigot’s friends.
Now, though, they weren’t as nice as they used to be. Today they were complaining about his posters, saying they were xenophobic. How dare they call us xenophobic? Mr Bigot thought. Our posters only tell people to be afraid of foreigners taking their jobs? What’s xenophobic about telling people to be afraid of foreigners?
And what’s wrong with employing your wife, even if she’s a foreigner herself? What’s wrong with using one of your aides in your publicity, and pretending she’s an ordinary member of the public? What’s wrong with using a foreign actor even if you want to stop foreign actors coming here? How dare they ask these questions?
Still, Mr Bigot knew how to deal with the press. A bit of a laugh. A bit of bluster. A knowing smile or two, and they’d be satisfied. And they were.
Even so, Mr Bigot wasn’t in the best of moods, until he realised it was Thursday. And Thursday meant Question Time. Mr Bigot strolled into the studio happily. That nice Mr Dimbleby had warmed Mr Bigot’s usual chair, and left his slippers underneath it. The slippers were soft and comfortable – and so were most of the questions.
Oh, there were a few awkward ones, but Mr Bigot fended them off with a laugh and a quick mention of how bad Brussels was – and the other parties had sent their usual identikit robots, so offered no challenge at all. And Mr Bigot’s mates had seeded the crowd with a few of their own – Mr Bigot knew the games every bit as well as the other politicians – so there were some nice soft questions to let Mr Bigot do his stuff. And Mr Dimbleby was as affable as ever.
‘See you next week, old chap’ Mr Dimbleby said to Mr Bigot after they’d shared a pint at the studio bar. Mr Bigot nodded and smiled.
You see Mr Bigot really wasn’t a bigot. Well, not that much of a bigot. He didn’t particularly hate foreigners. He didn’t particularly fear foreigners. He didn’t hate Muslims – as long as they didn’t practice Islam. He didn’t really hate gay people – as long as they didn’t think they deserved to get married. He didn’t even hate women. Well, not much. As long as they kept to their place.
So, mostly Mr Bigot couldn’t care that much either way about bigotry.
But he knew how to use bigotry. He knew very well. You couldn’t call it bigotry. You couldn’t admit it was bigotry. But, deep down, Mr Bigot knew what bigotry was, and he knew when he was being bigoted. And he made sure others knew too.
He knew that if the bigots who knew they were bigots thought he was a bigot, they’d vote for him.
He knew that if the bigots who couldn’t admit they were bigots didn’t think he was a bigot, they’d vote for him too.
And he knew that there were a lot of people who didn’t like politicians at all, and who could be convinced that he wasn’t like other politicians. And then they would vote for him too. Even though he really was like other politicians.
So, between the bigots, the closet bigots and the duped politician-haters, Mr Bigot would do very well.
And he smiled happily to himself.
Words by me, art by @KaiserOfCrisps
Paul Bernal's Blog 
You have shown how much of a bigot you are with this rather puerile posting, maybe the next one will be telling us how much Brighton has improved with the green council there. I take exception to being called a bigot when I am not bigoted I just want my nation to be free from governance by an unelected committee of failed politicians who do not have my best interests at heart.
Thought you’d like it! 🙂
Pure genius Paul
P.S. You might want to check out my Mr Gove series. There IS a point here…
You have just proved Paul’s point entirely with your comment, Barry. You have been gullible enough to believe UKIP’s campaign, and to believe that they’re less corrupt than other parties. We are already IN Europe, and we DO have elected politicians in Europe. They’re called MEPs. There are even UKIP MEPs representing us in Europe right now. And the current coalition government who have no mandate to rule – they’re the REAL unelected committee of failed politicians you don’t have your best interests at heart. Look closer to home.
Ukip MEPs what an oxymoron
Maybe if you don’t want to be accused of being a bigot, you shouldn’t vote for a bigot.
He never said you were a bigot: I believe “duped politician-hater” is the category he puts you in.
“And he knew that there were a lot of people who didn’t like politicians at all, and who could be convinced that he wasn’t like other politicians. And then they would vote for him too. Even though he really was like other politicians.
So, between the bigots, the closet bigots and the duped politician-haters, Mr Bigot would do very well.”
You seem to believe UKIP will be different from other political parties, so I suppose you fit into that category; not a bigot. Why should he criticise the Greens? He’s not the BBC, he doesn’t have to be even-handed with political parties. 😉
I happily criticise political parties when they deserve criticism – on this blog I’ve attacked Labour, the Tories, the Lib Dems as well as UKIP. I’ll attack the Greens too, if I think they deserve it – but not if they don’t, just to be even handed. The Greens’ campaign for the EU elections is, as far as I can see, the best of the current lot. That’s why I’ll be voting for them, as I’ve blogged before….
Barry You may not be a Bigot but you are a giant hairy fanny face!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
bang on the money Barry, we need to get rid of the House of Lords
One slight thing is that the current Government do have a mandate to rule. We live under rule of a Monarcy and it is Her Government; she can invite anyone to be PM regardless of the electoral process. Normally she stays out of such matters but technically she could strike down Parliament tomorrow and rule herself if she chose to do so.
UKIP are biggots, racists, homophobes and as bad if not worse than the majority of politicians. They all spout popularist hot air to dupe the weak minded who aren’y able, or willing, to challenge the basis on which such promises are made – let alone hold them to account when the golden promise somehow vanishes. The BNP are many things but at least they don’t hide their anti everything not white English with 2.4 kids a car and pet stance (butch pets only obviously)
Like or loathe her the only top politician to say this is what I believe and then carry it out regardless of pandering to those after her blood or even worse the ever fickle opinion poll was Margaret Thatcher. Others who have been in Parliament even longer like Shirley Williams aren’t as strong with their convictions. If anyone is of the foolish belief that politics is little more than a grandeous trading floor then think again. Back room conversations and promises to garnour support and then the bigger players forcing the weaker to comply or they get extinguished. Then there’s the church meddling in politics but nobody dares challenge it or we’d find out how much the really do financially back to exert an ‘above weight’ level of influence.
Right that out am off for my tea and hob nobbs!
I read your blog and the comments underneath and was avidly anticipating someone striking a valid point. Overall, I think it’s been a massive waste of electricity and a good way to insult millions of voters. Was that your objective?
Strangely enough, not exactly… 😉 however, I have amused a few hundred people, which probably was…
As long as we are debating this and realising that we aren’t going into this with our eyes wide shut, I think this is very pertinent. However, the problem is that the other other politicians have been running the show so successfully for so long that some voters are looking around to find someone else to give them a good kick up the backside and this is why there is some support – in my humble.
That’s certainly one part of it – but as I allude to in the post, Farage and UKIP aren’t actually any different. He’s part of that same establishment elite. A Public School, ex-banker, who’s been riding the political gravy train for years.
Agreed. But until we stop putting up with that ‘model’ what else is there? The majority of us are just on the right side of comfortable to really be bothered to change things. Also, bizarrely or not, if you ask many Polish people, the majority don’t want any more Polish people coming over. The reason? They don’t want to lose their jobs? Or they feel embarrassed or pressured by how many are already here? Honestly, I’m just saying. I’m not making racist comments.
I’m not sure it’s a majority, but I recognise the sentiment. The superficial (and essentially wrong) argument that people who come here will ‘take your jobs’ is quite seductive.
A lot of folk in Germany in 1932 used their ‘protest’ vote. History seems to tell us that you vote for something it might happen. …. or not. Risky stuff.
I don’t know about that, im no fan of ukip but ppl who use words like ‘white’ and Englishman as if they,re something that’s morally wrong do piss me off… im a proud Englishman and a proud socialist I also happen to be white… shouldn’t matter, the point about their wealth and abuse of the working class should be all that matters
This would be even funnier if it wasn’t true
Being a white, heterosexual, middle-aged man today means you are automatically thought of of being homophobic, racist, bigoted, sexist and many more. No matter what they say, someone somewhere will decry and humiliate your point of view. Just saying.
Well, I’m a white, heterosexual, middle-aged man – and I’m not thought of as those things very often at all. I am, however, also aware of the immense advantages that all those things bring to me…
I had a bit of a chuckle as I read this, as the author intended, well done.
I still intend to vote UKIP, however. National sovereignty aside(That isn’t really my interest, though I do support those who feel that the UK should have right of refusal when dealing with criminals and the like), my actual reason for voting for them lies more in their financial stance.
I’m also an immigrant from Canada who will personally be affected by the cuts. I feel that the other choices – Saddling our children with debt or using inflationary spending – Are selfish choices in fact. The first simply delays repayment, the second consumes savings and harms those who have saved their whole lives.
Interesting – the problem with cutting too much is that it can often end up being counterproductive. Cut benefits too far and people’s health suffers, putting a burden on the health costs. Privatise health and all costs rise (as witnessed in the US). The more you stress a system, the more damage comes about… but all this is arguable. The thing about UKIP is that they’re unlikely to have any impact on any economical decisions – but they could make other parties try to ape their immigration and related policies….
I feel sadly left out of politics. Proud women died for the right to vote and I always feel that I should not waste this privilage, but I look at the cheating and stealing and private clubs all supplied and supported with our hard earned wages and wonder who, out of the well educated politicians will be true to us and their beliefs. Who to vote for?. I think politics by its very nature causes corruption and the second a bright new person arrives on scene filled with changing things for the better, the huge benefits of following the masses in their party, like the little extras the freebies etcetera just spoils them and they become another smiling face with no true personal goal, just another baby cooing politician. Perhaps our Queen should step up to the plate and box their ears.
Excellent, and the aim of raising a chuckle achieved 🙂
@Shandkydd, if there are no suitable candidates, you can always spoil your ballot, but at least you have not “betrayed’ those who died. Perhaps few are indeed sufficiently honest to resist cheating and our “system” seems to attract a good many who are in it for themselves, rather than to serve. However, we should not forget that there are a good many in politics, of all political persuasions, who do serve and who work on behalf of their constituents, regardless. So hats of to them.
I too will be voting Green, simply because of the alternatives to the larger parties, they have, at present, the highest proportion of politicians who serve.
Well said. Voting for something far worse than that which we have is no way to protest. It might even come true and then what?
Reblogged this on SLATUKIP.
Nice posting. Thank you for sharing with us. Personally I like it.
accounting
Howling laughing here 🙂
I find UKIP to be like Jehovahs Witnesses – trying their best to get you into the fold so that they can have your running around doing the dirty work, whilst taking half of your money on a weekly basis!
Reblogged this on Jay's Journal and commented:
Oh my goodness – remember to breathe when reading this – I know it’s hard to do ‘cos you’ll be laughing that much 🙂
Reblogged this on IdentitySpace and commented:
Captures the mindset of #ukip beautifully
Reblogged this on nearlydead.